To go through the beginning of this mess again would cause an aniexty attack while writing this. That's not my purpose. This was suppose to be a short Facebook post to show a realization of why I am falling short of my goals. But when I started writing, I felt the need to go longer than three lines. Sometimes I feel like I can write a book on these set of feelings that are hopefully temporary guests in my life. Sometimes I don't want to feel at all. Depression? Maybe, but I feel like I am stronger than that.
What triggers these thoughts is the positivity of other people achieving their goals. I know that this is screwed up. I am happy for those who are making moves in their lives. I think it's the oversaturation of it posted in places we should use to unwind and keep in touch that bugs me.
I know many people who are working their way to lose weight. There are a couple who I do things with in order to achieve my own weight loss goals. But it's the way they go about things and their views that make me back away. First of all, if all of you want to go hard, then go hard. But don't push me to follow your way. It took me a while to decide that I was going to actively change my habits. But it also took me just as long to not cringe in the mirror every time I look at myself. Now everytime I go on any social network, everytime I talk to people in person, it's about what we are eating, it's about the gym, it's about the way that we can't say that we love ourselves either way.
That what bugs me. Not one person I know has ever said that they love themselves either way. All they say is that they will never go back, that they live for fitness and healthy eating and all of this hoopla. I never heard someone say "I love me either way, I'm just doing this to improve my health." But that's my true goal. I'm just doing this to improve my health. I don't care about my dress size (as long as it doesn't get bigger). I feel that it's unfair that plus size fashion is more expensive, not as hip, and harder to find. I hate that I feel like I have to shame myself into going to the gym and having these health shakes (another story for another time). I hate being at the gym and feeling like I can't go at my own pace. And I hate that because I set this in motion, that I feel bad when I pig out too. No one should feel this way when they are working at making their body healthy. But I do.
I feel pressure to go at a parallel pace with the people I know. To be pushed into going faster, trying certain machines, eating certain foods, and doing it for hours on end. I feel pressured and I say yes. And I crash harder because of it.
What I need to do is start saying no, this is what I feel comfortable doing, please don't push me when I've barely gotten use to doing any of this. I need to say no, I have other hobbies. No, I like sleeping on the weekends. No, I like eating Nutella still!
Before I started to actively change my body, I was starting to make better choices. I wasn't eating a lot of junk food, I was opening myself up to trying new things. I was eliminating things like soda with lunch and dinner. And these were changes that I was making on my own. I felt happy about that, but once I started to drink shakes, go to the gym, eat salads and all of that jazz, I started to lose my pacing fast.
There's more to it, but then I would be going on and on about something I do have control of. It's my body and now I have to reteach myself that it's okay to go at my pace. That I love myself either way. Doing things with people is fun, but when your goals don't match, it can make a turn for the worst. I need to stop paying attention to those Facebook posts that make me feel guilty (yes the whole point of the rant, which doesn't need order so don't you dare say that I need to use my writing skills!). I know that I'm not sitting around doing absolutely nothing to change myself. I need to stop feeling guilty about my pace. That guilt is preventing me from finishing anything right now. That and the stress of my family and my "it's not my career" job.
As for things like my writing, I wish I had someone pressuring me into that, like they do with my weight. But I guess if I am thinner, I would write more? No, I don't think so!
This rant is becoming a mess so WQers, just wish me well and leave me messages. Maybe we can work on all of these issues together, at our own pace.