The Write Queen Blog - The Write Queen

Stop Using The Word "Fat" for Your Choices!

5/3/2015

Hello My Readers,

It's been a while since I have blogged about anything. Grad school has kept me very busy. The second semester is almost done, so that means a Summer of blogging! But I digress. We have something more important to talk about.

The one thing I would love to eradicate is that if you are eating junk/unhealthy food or just eating a lot in general that people say it's "the fat person" in them or that they are "being fat" right now.

Excuse me?

I didn't get the memo that enjoying food, eating stuff that is not good for anyone, or eating a lot of food was only exclusive to "fat" people. So skinny people or "healthy" people don't enjoy food too? It's a shameful thing to say. It's not about being fat or skinny, it's about being healthy and being comfortable in the body or skin you are in. It's also offensive to someone who is on the heavier side. If you are being fat or this is the fat person in you and we are both eating something junky or unhealthy together, what the hell does that make me?

Is it the "fatter person" in me? Am I being "obese" right now?

See where I am getting at?

If you made a choice to eat something, live with that choice and...shut up! I didn't force you and no one else did either. Unless you have an eating disorder (which of course means we have to deal with this situation differently because the mindset is different), you have no right to misuse a state of being as your word choice, just because you chose to eat something you knew you shouldn't have.

You are not doing something that is "fat". You are making a choice that you now feel guilty about. A choice that doesn't mean, “Hey I'm fat now.” or “I have to control being fat.” As a person who is fat, I'm still fat whether I am eating fries or a salad.

There's no “I'm being fat right now”.

There's “I'm eating.” Because that's what all of us need to do!

We have to eat to survive. How much we choose to eat is a personal choice. Labeling that choice as something negative, using a description of a person that is a reality to hundreds of people around the world is not okay. I need to be healthier, but I'm okay with being fat, fluffy, plus sized, whatever you want to call me. That doesn't mean that I'm okay with someone using fat as a way to describe how much food they are eating.

Think about that next time you are making a food choice that is not right for YOU. Especially if you are eating with someone who is always fat like me.

It really is enough to say “I ate too much right now”.

Trust me, so did I! Good tasting food will do that to you.

Till next time,

#theycalledherbravenewgirl

Worn Out and Vulnerable

11/18/2014

Hello World,

I know that it's been a while. A long, long while. I have been trying to adjust to a new life of education.

Let me tell you, graduate school is no joke. If you go to school for something that isn't for your craft, you find that many things slip away. I don't remember the last time I wrote a poem. A line or two, but not a poem. Not even a haiku. My manuscripts lay untouched. I struggled to send out poems to lit magazines a couple of weeks ago, while I was sick in bed and knew that I had no brain for school work. And I try to remain happy and positive towards all the writers in my life because I've recently have been given the honor of being an advisor in a team of 11 for a beautiful, emerging community called #GrowFierce (I will write another post on that later).

But I am so worn out. Some days feel really good. I get what's going on in my classes, I can apply it to everything I want to do and I even get great grades on papers and projects. Then the flaws come in. The program I am in is great in a lot of ways, but also greatly flawed. One of my classmates who is taking time off after this semester put it best, "I thought I was going to be able to be more hands on. To be able to present my ideas and get guidance in how to do things. Not work on something for someone else." While I get why we have to do all of these projects based off of not our projects, sometimes I feel exactly that.

I feel like I am wasting time and ideas. In one particular class, we are working on a project for a real client (a department in the school). While this is great practice, the way it is structured does not allow everyone to give input and be involved the way they would like to be. Nearing the end of the project, I feel like I haven't been able to do much. This weekend, one of my classmates had a great idea to form groups and get a head start on one of our final phases. He said this is the time to jump in an area that you are passionate about. I did just that. I started a document, put down all of my ideas, and shared it with people in my group so they can add theirs. Then my professor flips stuff around when we get into class. In the part I was looking forward to, he goes and assigns it to another group! Now I can't just leave my group to join another so I can present my ideas. We already got half way through class in these groups. I tried to be open and think of ideas for our assigned task, but I felt defeated after already working on stuff that I do not care for in this project. This is the kind of frustration I deal with and try hard to turn around.

People are also a factor in this equation. Not the people I am in class with (well, there are some I don't care to work with, but I will when I have to), but the people who are suppose to be a part of this journey. I know I sit with my accounting homework, with my marketing textbook, trying to do stuff like Bayes Law (you don't want to know what that is) and I sit here disappointed in and angry with my team, my reason for coming to this program. In particular, I am angry at the one who has said, "Do it" but does not reach to ask about the company, how they can help, how are my studies going, NOTHING. I am so so angry at this person. I know, I know. I could just get rid of them. But I want them to be there. And I don't want to chase them and talk about things that I am not sure they care about. I care about their future though. I am still trying to work on this one.

I want to go on, but I have to run. Another post soon my loves. Let's have hope together.

Thank you for indulging this moment.

13 Years - Until I Evaporate: 9/11 Anniversary Thoughts

9/11/2014

Your body knows when it's not home.

Though I stood up until an ungodly hour of 4:30 in the morning today, I was up almost three hours later. Since I'm not working while I'm in school yet, I have been sleeping in on days I do this until at least 11. Not today. Though I'm now in Chicago and an hour behind, I woke up around the time of the attacks in New York time, thinking about it almost instantly as I woke up.

Even before I got here, people asked me if I would move out to Chicago permanently and where am I setting up my business. First of all, how would I know if I would move somewhere for seemingly forever if I have never lived there before? Second, where else would I set up my business? So far Chicago is great in so many ways, but I am a New Yorker.

Your body knows something is wrong.

I was only 15 when the attacks happens. I was in school. I was in school in Queens. I was safe, but my body knew things were not safe. I had such a headache that day. Around that time. I wish I could say I was psychic, but it was more of knowing something was happening when it happened. Not before. I didn't really hear about it, a full confirmation until about noon or whenever my last period of English was. Guess they didn't want to scare the school as a whole. I heard something during gym, but I still wasn't feeling well and I was in my own world.

Right now I can remember sitting in gym and hearing hushed whispers, but not know the full urgency at the moment. I remember that the sun felt bright in that room.

So many people never felt the warm of the sun shining briefly in a room again. Some didn't see the sky for days.

Your body knows how loud quiet can be.

I walked home from school since transportation had virtually stopped. I knew nothing was going to happen while I walked home, but I kept looking back. When you walk on Rockaway Blvd, you have a view of the Towers when you reach a certain point if you look straight towards them while crossing the street. You never know how empty a space feels until it's no longer there. In your head, you know there are sirens and cries happening an hour away from you. You feel life slowing down or completely stopping before you reach the zone of no return also known as Lower Manhattan that day. I didn't have to switch on a TV. It was on at home anyway, but just being a sensitive wishy washy person, I felt it. I felt in the lack of buses on the road. The echo of their absence.

What's worst was that I lived near JFK. When buses are not coming to and from there because who the heck wants to or can take a plane on that day and days following, you feel their absence.

I still refuse to write about these feelings in poetry form till this day. I leave that for the more experienced, in language and in this life changing event.

Your body feels differently once this happens to you.

As I write this, I hear sirens in the distance. Do you know what sirens mean to a New Yorker on 9/11 of any year after 2001? Do you know what the city can be like? The extra security that's put in place. A certain feeling in the air. Try going to work on this day. Especially by the Freedom Tower (or One World Trade Center if you want to be official). Last year, I had to go into Jersey City since my job was relocated there due to Sandy. You don't know what sacred feels like until you are in that area. Walking to the PATH train means hearing the bells rung in memory of each heartbreaking moment. Going into Jersey City meant walking past the memorial with the names of people that were lost from the area. Riding the MTA to World Trade and Fulton Street meant seeing firefighters and officers, dressed up in their finest, going to the ceremony.

I didn't lose anyone, but I know people who have. I was safe in Queens, but I know people who were in the area that day. You think what if this turned into more. What if more planes went out? What if more buildings were hit? What if they did more?

What if on an anniversary of 9/11, something else happens somewhere else? That's why I sit here trying to calm myself down after hearing sirens. Anything could happen on this day.

It did 13 years ago.

Though it could happen tomorrow, the next day, next year. Anytime. Something like this could happen again at anytime. No one is truly safe. One of the many reason why we have to live life. It's a scary thing to exist. The point of life is questionable at best when we are faced with natural and unnatural causes of death. But we do it anyway, for whatever reason drives us the most. We live.

There are many who feel this day as strongly as I do. There are those who feel it more. Though it's hard, take a moment and do something that makes you feel alive. Do it for every single life that was taken that day. They woke up that morning, only knowing that they are waking up for another day. They lived their lives to the end. It's harder for those left behind because we can think about the what if and could have been. But we can't waste the seconds that they could have had today. We are lucky to wake up in the morning. It's okay to feel this, but remember to live.

Your body only knows the flow of currents.
It doesn't know evaporation until it is gone.

Hello from Chicago!

8/31/2014

Hello out there!

First of all, I want to say thank you to all the people still taking a peek at my website. I looked at my stats and they are high considering I've barely blogged in two months.

Second, I want to say hello from Chicago! I have finally made it so I can start my time in graduate school. I have been so busy with prep for the move and then the actual move. I am exhausted! I should be reading for class (starts on Tuesday, September 2!), but I had to take a moment to do something I love - writing on here.

I am feeling so many things right now. It's quiet. Very quiet. I have to manage my own kitchen now. I don't have anyone to run to if the stress level is high. I have people who have disappointed me and ones who have marvelously stepped up to the plate in my life. My head is spinning.

I am now trying to encourage myself to step outside for the first time by myself. To take the CTA by myself. To go buy some small empty bottles for my fabric softener from Dollar Tree by myself. To be by myself. It's weird because my first week was filled with action and running around. Now it's just quiet. I've said that already haven't I?

It's weird because I am trying not to bother people. I know that they have certain feelings about my move and so forth. But at the same time, I'm the one who has left their job, family, friends, and more to move to another state by myself and I am scared about how I am going to do in school and money issues. I'm the one doing a lot here. Others can go be with their family, other friends, have a million and one distractions.

I am here in my quiet apartment with only class to break things a part.

This post wasn't suppose to go this route, but being a brave new girl means saying how you feel. AND I FEEL FRUSTRATED!

But I also feel excited. It's starting, this adventure to bring my ideas to fruition. No one said it was going to be easy, that's for sure.

For now I am signing off. When my head is a little more straight, you will get more so much more.

Till next time,
#theycalledherbravenewgirl

Who Do We Blame?: A Brief on The Post-Undergrad World

6/9/2014

The New York Times put out an article yesterday on the post college woes of Brooklyn College (and nationwide) graduates called Degree? Check. Enthusiasm? Check. Job? Not So Fast: Brooklyn College Graduates Step In to Depressing Job Market.

The article featured a young man named Jelani Thomas, 23 who has recently graduated from my alma mater. The article addressed my biggest challenge since graduating - a horrid job market awaiting hopeful and ready graduates.

I can name what most of my fellow alumni are doing right now and only a small percentage are using their degrees or are in jobs that they like.

Some of them have gone back to school to obtain a Masters (including myself this Fall - hello debt!) while others are busy just trying to survive.

A lot of us are saying what's the point, but it's the education. It's the skills you learn. It's opening your world to something you want to do and not what you have to do. Our problem is that the job market won't let us use and pursue what we want to do.

We blame it on colleges, as quite a few of my friends do, but they can't control the job market. And do we really want them to tell us "Well it's going to be sucky so you might have to wait a while for your dreams."?

No because then we wouldn't finish.

The way our government handles financing our education, the way the job market qualifies people is the problem. I never felt the need to blame my schools. You taught me what you could, but now it's up to me continue that education with experiences I make and to not to give up.

I do feel for these newly post undergrad babies. It's going to be tough, but if you have a goal, just keep going. Talk to friends, especially fellow graduates and build your network.

And remember, if you can't find a job opportunity, work on creating it yourself! If you need help and you're in the arts field, hey there's always EAT Media - www.eatmedia.org!

Till next time,
#theycalledherbravenewgirl

27 Lessons I've Learned During Age 27

6/3/2014

Hello my brave new souls,

Remember yesterday that maybe I'll talk about some of the things I've learned this past year? Well this is it! 27 lessons from Year 27. And trust me, there is more. So much more. But these are the ones that come up from the top of my head.

The inner voice will be the greatest being you'll have to face.
There are many forms of love.
Put yourself out there and the universe will give you something back.
What you get back may be the smallest thing, but it could fill up your world.
A support system is always available if you seek it - it just may come in a form you didn't expect.
Always be honest in your heart and say it out loud. It may not result in much, but it's better than having the weight inside of you.
It's okay to feel your emotions. Feel the anger, hurt, sadness, happiness, etc.
Don't dwell in the negative emotions for too long. Realize your positives and bounce back.
Know it's okay if you don't bounce back right away. It's okay if your positives are still slightly negative. Life is not sunshine.
Embrace your dark, but do not let it create harm for you or others.
Taking chances is the way to go. Opportunities, no matter how big or small will boost your spirit.
Don't depend on others just because they say yes. Sometimes that yes changes.
Listen to actions carefully. They are louder than words when nothing is being said.
Stop explaining yourself over and over again. They get it and they still don't work with you until they feel like it.
Best friends often make the best lovers - it's the ability to get through muck that reinforces this - eh this one is a work in progress.
Don't feel guilty if you realize that you haven't reached out to a companion. Relationships are a two-way street.
But if you are thinking about it so much...reach out!
Respect yourself. No one is going to respect you if you don't respect yourself.
Quirky ideas that you think may not work out are usually some of your best.
Stop talking. Especially to people who don't get who you are - they just want to change you.
Don't accept silence all the time. Communication is key, even through the tough stuff. You can give space, but don't give them the universe to get lose in.
Don't place titles on something or someone without establishing that these are being made. I will act accordingly if you let me know my position.
You can't always apologize for miscommunication if you are not the party that miscommunicated. Stop doing it. It's not healthy to say 'I'm sorry' for their faults.
Continue with your talents even if you have a lot of hit or misses. Not everyday is going to be good, but the work will pay off.
We as a people need to show up harder for each other, but you as an individual needs to take accountability - that was a lesson from my soulmate and poetry sis.
Laugh it off because constant tears equal migraines.
Decide whether you want to watch or live your life. Regret can only happen if you don't do or go after something you want.

Hasn't been easy, but this smile is one of the most important things I've gained during this year. Even through a lot of pain. This was some time after my 27th birthday. I want to maintain this smile more for Year 28.

One Month Til My Birthday - Let's Accomplish Stuff

6/2/2014

Hello!

Today is exactly one month until the greatest day that has occurred in the world since 1986. My birthday! I will be celebrating 28 years on this earth. I am a little apprehensive because Year 27 was filled with many life changing events and Year 28 is the start of my biggest one yet - preparing to leave New York for graduate school.

Maybe one day this month, I'll get into the many things I've learned this year, but for now we are going to talk about goals. Things I want to finish before 28 happens. Or things I want to start for 28. Either way, let's get to listing!

Finish editing my full length manuscript: Most of the poems have been edited. All I need to do is tweak a few additions and the layout. I could do that in a month.
Raise more money for the publication of my two books: This won't be finished by my birthday, but some progress would be nice. And a donation would make a nice birthday gift =) (Publish Me Fundraiser on GoFundMe)
Start my 'Bucket List of Things To Do Before I Move Away For Two Years' list: Come play with me! Do something with me. You'll miss me when I'm gone and some of these things would make nice birthday gifts. Plus I love my friends (or even new friends...anyone reading from New York?) and want to spend time with them.
Write a song: I've been itching to go into the studio and make some music or write some lyrics. Got ish on my mind and I miss the music world. Just a little bit.
Make a business move: Whether it's having a meeting with my team or finishing some of my business planning, I want to finish something. I recently did a solo job for someone and let me tell you: It's nice to get paid!
Find some peace over some situations: There's stuff that has happened in my life that isn't for the public to know (unless you read between the lines well. Then you're a smart cookie.). I want to find the peace of resolving issues and moving on to having active relationships with people again or find the peace in moving on, forgiving, and accepting that certain people are no longer a part of my life. It takes more than just me, but if it comes down to just me, then I am looking for the strength for that.
Create something new: Something, anything! Constantly have stuff going on, but I am itching for something new. There is something brewing inside.

And I think that's it! There's probably more, but for now - this is what June is about. Let's see what happens.

Till next time,
#theycallherbravenewgirl

Whoops! This Isn't Working

5/27/2014

Hello out there!

If you have been keeping up to #theycalledherbravenewgirl, then you would know that I am suppose to have a weekly blog series.

Not working! While lists are easy, vulnerable ones like this are not. The last one took a lot out of me because it's an unresolved issue (though personally, I think it could be if it was talked out...argh never mind - not getting into that), so then the next list feels waaaaaayyyy too vulnerable to follow up with.

That and life is busy. Try looking for work in another state, getting call backs, but unable to interview. Sigh...it's frustrating.

But this girl will be okay. I am also working on a couple of projects so maybe blogging will take a little rest. A special edition of Typoetic.us, a website for family, and other things.

So if it's quiet, I am sorry. Especially since I am getting new subscribers to my blogs! This makes me so happy. Just keep signing up guys! I promise I have more to come.

Till then,
#theycalledherbrave (and busy) newgirl

On Intuition and Coincidence

5/11/2014

My grandmother freaked me out today.

I was sitting next to her and she tells me to get into her hospital bed with her. Then she asked if I was singing (I wasn't) and told me that it's okay, don't go crazy. After that she asked me if I was sad, told me to not be sad and not to worry about the other people out there.

My grandmother has dementia, but I've never experience such clarity in that moment.

I am feeling a little sad today. I am worried about other people and I do feel like I might go a little crazy. I was sitting next to my grandmother in a rocking chair she has had all my life and maybe beyond. I was reading an article about building mailing lists and waiting for my mom to come back from the store. I felt and acted "normal" and I'm sure I didn't look sad, but somehow, she picked up on the vibes.

I should have known when she called me over by name earlier. I'm usually La Nena in every conversation.

Though my grandmother's condition will never get better and will only get worse in time, I think there are times where she can see life perfectly fine.

I thank whoever is out there for that moment of comfort.

10 Ways You Can Overcome Your Fear of Vulnerability (In Relationships - Part One)

5/7/2014

Create a group chat on Facebook Messenger with good friends to hash out the harsh realities of love on the go. Tell them everything.
Use an abundance of emoticons and stickers in said chat. Your emotions should get out somehow.
Now that the modern tell-all fix is out of your system, put away the phone.
Sit in your office for over four hours and write the person you want to talk to a letter. Stop everything. Say everything.
Leave the office and find a stamp. Pray that it gets to that person before the storm. Mail it without regret.
If you are braver, pick up the phone. Dial, don't text. "Do you have some time?" is one of the hardest things to say and wait for.
Go all in if they want to talk about it.
If they don't, find your peace in your letter, in picking up the phone, in sitting on a Subway bench and asking, "Are you done with this?", fighting back tears.
Throw yourself into things that give back: projects, careers, friends who are willing to watch you pull the back of your hands before gently pulling you back on track. Give your love to something willing to open up for you.
Change your "Today I Feel" chart everyday. Say it out loud to the picture taped to your printer. Say it to your friends, in your half attempt at poems, and to the bottom of your homemade glass of frozen margaritas. It's better than texting your weakness at 2 AM "Hi".

Realize that with ten steps, there's twenty more to go.

10 Ways You Can Overcome is a weekly blog series that I will be writing as I confront who I am as a person, a writer, and a creative entity in life. I hope my path will be able to help someone out there as they confront some of these issues in their own lives, personally and professionally.