I don't fit into the spoken word world. The thought of reading anything to a group larger than five people makes me shake in my skin. I usually can't make it to most of the events anyway, so that option is out. I have thought of putting some of my poems in a book. But who would read it other than a few people who always look at my work? Since I don't have the official title of "Poet", I will just look like a nobody imitating a poet. That's how most unknowns are looked upon from my own observations.
I haven't been able to commit to the Poetry club at my school. School work has always gotten in the way. Especially ever since I switch my major from Creative Writing to Journalism. Would a real poet do that? Or was I being too cautious? I wanted to learn skills that will help me get a job involving writing and I have learned that I do not like the profession as much as I thought I would have. Should I have stuck with Creative Writing and seen what it would have taught me? I switched because I did not want to take a whole bunch of literature classes. I thought, "Well, shouldn't I be writing if my major is Creative Writing? Why are there so little creative writing classes?" But if I love creative writing, wouldn't I have stuck with it? Would a real poet do that?
I don't write everyday like all the books on writing and writing poetry I have collected say to do. I can't keep a notebook until every page is filled. I feel like when I post a link to my website that it's a sham because I don't feel like I am a poet!
I don't have the nerve to tag any of the poets that I do know on Facebook to look at my notes because I feel like an amateur and because I don't come to any of their events. I have been writing just as long or longer than some of the poets I am acquainted with. But I don't feel like I am a poet.
What if I am never known for what I love to do, but only for my mistakes? I'm the girl who always wanted to be known as a poet, but went to school for music production first. Now I'll be the girl who always wanted to be known as a poet, but has degrees in music production and journalism and won't do anything with those degrees. I want to go for a Master's of Fine Arts in Creative Writing, but will I ever be able to afford it? I don't want to be just a person who writes poetry, I want to be a person who studies and practices the craft like there is nothing else better to do on this Earth. I want to be a poet.
I want to be like Nikki Giovanni or Sonia Sanchez. Or Amber Tamblyn. Or like Mahogany L. Browne, Aja Monet, Rachel McKibbens, and Mayda Del Valle. I want to be known as a poet like them. I don't know where to start, I don't know where to go, I don't know how to conquer my fears. I spend hours building my poems, reading how-to books and books of other poets and I don't know what to do at this point. I've been writing for ten years yet I still don't consider myself to be a poet. Will I ever be considered a poet? Please someone, anyone, tell me the secret of becoming a poet. I don't want to spend my life dreaming of that perfect title.