Hello Write Queeners!

So many blogs these past few days, right? Consistency is definitely one of my current goals.

I have developed an terrible habit of buying and starting several books at the same time. What usually helps is that most of them are poetry. It's when I get to fiction, memoir, self-help, etc that I am in trouble.

The reason I am a book jumper? It's because these books contain outstanding work and sometimes a girl needs to take a break from all of that grandness and mull over it. Then I get busy and don't pick up the book for a while. I miss the semi-free time of college. Heck I miss the care free days of high school. Yeah I said it. Care free. Compared to now, high school was a breeze. 

Anyway, here is a list of my current reads along with a link in case you want to read along with me (maybe you'll motivate me to finish faster). Maybe we can start a Book Jumpers club!

1. Her Book: Poems by Éireann Lorsung
2. Chasing Utopia by Nikki Giovanni
3. Urban Tumbleweed: Notes From A Tanka Diary by Harryette Mullen 
4. Mother's Day at the Orphanage by David Abts and Michael Shattuck  
5. A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini  
6. Emotional Wisdom by Mantak Chia and Dena Saxer
7. Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg

And I have finished other books in between some of these. This also doesn't compare to the many books I've bought this past year that I haven't touched yet. So many books, so little time!

Till next time loves!

On a cozy, snowy Saturday afternoon, I had the privilege of gathering with some of the very special women who make up the building legacy of Digging Deep, Facing Self. In between getting to know each other and writing poems together, we came together to let the world know why the experience of taking the Digging Deep, Facing Self course with Caits Meissner is magical.

For me, it was about finding a community of women and writers. It was also a push to consistently write, despite circumstances. If you need more convincing about why you should take this course, just watch the video.

When you ask a question, but don't receive an answer, it leaves you in limbo. You carry on with your day or days but you have knots in your stomach and a slight ache in your chest. Nothing alleviates that, but the answer. Nothing allows you to move, but the answer. If you could answer your own question, you wouldn't have asked. You would be okay. 

But instead you wait. You act out in small ways. You take it out on others who just want to see the crinkle in your forehead disappear. You start to ask more questions, pull more scenarios in your head, and fill yourself with a slew of emotions that may not be necessary for the situation. You feel as though you could possibily go crazy because it seems simple.

It seems like a simple question based on the the actions and events that have occurred and the answer should be easy to obtain. But it's not. It's silent, sometimes selfishly so. Do you realize that you have another heart waiting on the line? Do you realize that they won't hang up until you pick up and say the words? 

Listen, I am a writer. Words mean everything. I need to hear the words even when actions speak loud and clear. Because sometimes nothing is what it seems. We need to talk. We need words. Not insecurities or silence. Not a wall of issues. We just need to say the words and know that these are the words we stand by. Repeat them over and over again. Those are the ones that stick. Those are the answers we seek if it's what we want. 

Don't flip flop on me, don't leave me hanging. Don't use yourself as an excuse because right now, this situation, whatever the situation is, has one more to the equation. It's not about your 'you' stuff at the moment. It's about the stuff you chose to start. It's about the stuff you dragged other people into. You can go back to you later. Just give me what I need to stay or go. 

Listen, baby I am a writer. So we know I could write a book on what I'm feeling. As a matter of fact, been there, done that. Said my piece a thousand times over. Sometimes without listening. But I'm listening now. I'm listening to the four walls I choose to confine myself in because sunshine hurts. Sleep is easier than breathing. I could be a workaholic, but everything turns into a 'you'. Every word that turns into a lump of words that comes from the happiness, sadness, pain, anger, lust, compassion, and love you pull out of me. 

I'm so sick of being the understanding one babe. Do you not see the hell I am willing to put myself in for you? I am so angry because I just wanted the simple things and have been met with silence, resistance, a straight up fussiness at times while I bend backwards and wait. And wait. And wait some fucking more. I could write a book on all the bad you make me feel. Yet you have the audacity to get mad when I react? Why do I always have to be the one to reach out first? Be a decent person and give me the love or pain that's due for once first. I'm tired of reaching out for my own pleasure or demise. Oh you don't know how vexed you make me...

Until you touch my hand. Until I hear your voice. Until you show those fleeting sweet moments that makes me sit here in knots and wait. And wait some more. And wait some fucking more, all for simply

an answer.


Come find me in limbo sweetie. I'll be waiting.

If you don't know who Aja Monet is, here is a great introduction to who this Brooklyn poet is.

An amazing poet and musician, she is universal, yet always personal in every project she touches. Glitch, with Sleepin Giant, is visually appealing, in addition to being thoughtful, real, and smooth.

I also wanted to add this additional gem from her SoundCloud that I am obsessed with. Completely blew me away and made me want to throw my pens and notebooks out the window. Absolutely amazing and tells a story that anyone in this kind of love can relate to word to word. Plus her word play twists your mind into knots and then makes you explode.

Make sure to connect with her on Facebook and Twitter to see updates on her latest projects.

I haven't posted a poem in ages, especially since I have been workshopping a lot of my pieces, but since I wrote this nearly a half an hour after my blog post, I'm kind of feeling myself - blog and poem all in one day in the span of an hour. Plus it was one of those Here write a poem moments via text with my dear writing biffle (If I keep calling him that, he will disown me). Plus it's an excuse to come up with a new section - The Write Poems.

Vacant

I wonder who else I may be lost to.

The stage is lit, the crowd full,
but my struggle is bee-lined to you -
an apocalypse in the middle of 
book writing and a girl's night out,
vacant eyes dreaming our moments
against vibrating speakers or
with fingers in mid-air, keyboard 
waiting stiffly beneath my fingers.

Voices rattle around my ear drums, 
hushed against the silent movie of our 
memories - repeat repeated over and over 
until one of my friends or the 
gentle buzzing of the screen 
wordlessly touch the back of my neck,

the stage lights dimming down as I pull 
in another tale beneath the folds of my chest, 
a gentle smile that cannot climb 
to my eyes, mouths the words

"I'm here."



Then the glorious editing suggestions. I like this version too, though it takes out a good line.



Edit:

Vacant

I wonder who else I may be lost to.

apocalypse in the middle of 
book writing and a girl's night out,
vacant eyes dreaming our moments
against vibrating speakers or 
with fingers in mid-air, keyboard 
waiting stiffly beneath my fingers.

Voices rattle around my ear drums, 
hushed against our memories - 
repeat repeated over and over 
until one of my friends or the 
gentle buzzing of the screen 
wordlessly touch the back of my neck,

lights dimming down as I pull 
in another tale beneath the folds of my chest, 
a gentle smile that cannot climb 
to my eyes, mouths the words

"I'm here."


Opinions? Comments are always welcome.

As the year is winding down to a close, I notice the sudden pop up of the "New Year, New Me" posts on social media and blogs. I've been asked many times of my New Year's Eve plans and few have asked me what my goals for the new year are. 

Let's get a couple of things straight. 

I work during the day on New Year's Eve, most likely an almost full day. I will get up at 6 AM (or try to - snooze buttons are amazing) and travel from Corona, Queens to Wall Street, Manhattan. I will take the bus for 15 - 20 minutes to the R train and then alternate between standing and sitting for about 28 stops. I will get to work, make sure things are going smoothly with everyone (thanks to added on responsibilities.), and I will be counting down the minutes till I get on the R again. For most companies, it's the end of the year so the priority is making sure everything gets in, not New Year's Eve plans. I will be one tired lady at the end of the day and snuggling in bed with a book or a special someone while drinking tea sounds so much more appealing (Oh my goodness, I am such a writer - a book and tea? Haha!).

But what is New Year's Eve really?

The end digits of the calendar will change, but how does that affect our day to day lives? I could go celebrate the end of 2013 and the beginning of 2014 one night, but end up in the hospital or dead in the next two (knocks on wood!). What have I really achieved here? What have I celebrated? The change of year? The days change every day. Everyday we face new challenges and life is lived a little differently, even when things are seemingly routine. Heck, minutes change all the time. When I was a kid, my cousin and I used to have this thing where when we noticed the changing of the time, we would say, "Happy New Minute!" It was hilarious and delightful. It was also a little wise of us because we should be celebrating every minute, every day. New Year Goals? Psh, the concept is nice, but my goals year to year end up changing because of my day to day. One day, I want to write about being a lover scorned, but after I go through certain things within the span of the day or next couple of days, I want to write about hearts and Cupid. 

Then we have the concept of "New Year, New Me". 

Making changes in your life is good. It's a wonderful thing. Change is scary, but when you have goals in mind, it's satisfying when you have results. Everyone should always make a list of goals they want to achieve. My problem is the whole "I'm going to do it for the new year" bull. You're telling me that within the month of December, you will make a list of goals, but you won't start anything until January? WHY?!? What is stopping you? You want to eat better? Don't chow down on burgers every other day then say on January 1st, I quit - Hello Celery. You want to exercise? The gym accepts your money all year around! You want to try a new hobby? These things take time to learn. Instead of waiting until January to get piano lessons, how about you at least inquire and see when you can start lessons as soon as possible. If something happens to you between now and January, guess what? You just wasted time.

The "New Year, New Me" concept during this time of year is also impersonal. Everyone is doing it and sometimes there's so much pressure to do it better than anyone else. Even your list of goals can get competitive around certain people if you share them. There's a slew of emotions of that come with the over sharing of these goals for the New Year that I honestly don't want to get into. Especially because if you tell me, I will remember and be mildly disappointed when you don't follow through. I'll be like, "Why not? You are absolutely capable." I also apparently give these eyes that makes everyone want to either tell me their secrets,  feel as if I know they have secrets, or that they have done something wrong - so I might give you "the eyes" too. 

But all joking aside, these list of goals can consume people. Personally I rather make a list of goals around my birthday so that it's more personal (and so I don't have to hear about everyone else's goals all at once - I am a Summer baby!). Either way you do it, guess what? If you don't achieve a goal by a certain time, it's okay. Just keep working at it. Accept that though we may want to go to the gym everyday, that it may be only possible to go once or twice a week. If you do that, you're already doing better than those who don't.

We have to celebrate each day, each victory, each downfall....everything! 

So what if the year changes? The day changes! You don't have to go to a party and be socially awkward, drinking just so the time is more enjoyable on one evening a year just for that moment when the clock strikes 12. It strikes 12 everyday. We don't have elaborate parties for that. We don't go and dress up for Monday becoming Tuesday. We just live. 

So asking me about New Year's Eve or New Year's goals or who my "New Year, New Me" is going to be is pointless. Ask me how I am changing today and possibly tomorrow. Celebrate the fact that it's Friday and the work day is half way done (and that I posted a blog during lunch).  Be in the now. 

But this is just how I feel. And I might be dragged into a New Year's Eve activity after work or I may go home to that book and tea...or special someone. I may have a secret list of goals because I need new goals all the time once I achieve the old ones. It's just convenient that it's around this time. I just wanted to point something out...and vent a little. It came up in conversation today at work and it made my fingers itch to write something (Thank you very much for the idea B.M.!).

It's not Happy New Year for me. It's Happy New Day...or may I dare say it...it's Happy New Minute!

Enjoy the rest of your holidays my loves. If I don't have time before the year is out, here is your year-end post =)

This is the process that goes through my head when it starts snowing:

Oh my GOD! It's snowing. I have sneakers on. If this turns into a blizzard, I die. I will absolutely die. Okay, calm down. You're going to the supermarket. It's 2 and a half blocks away. It will be okay. I'm sure it won't get heavier. It better not get heavier. Not while I am out here. Better not.

Walks at a moderate pace to the supermarket, already looking for patches of ice.

At the supermarket:

Okay, so let's hurry this up because it's snowing. I don't need much. Maybe some almond milk and some ice cream. Hmm ice cream, maybe if the ice from snow was ice cream, I wouldn't mind busting my ass in the snow. Snow should be ice cream. Oh yay! They have Peppermint Wonderland ice cream. I hope it's not a snowy wonderland by the time I finish. Maybe I should get more stuff. It would be great if it snowed enough for work to be closed. I don't think I am that lucky though. They would want us to come in, even with ten feet of snow on the ground. I know I wouldn't make it to work. The way they don't shovel around here, I would die from just walking down my driveway. Forget about the rest of the block. If I was a cat, all of my lives would be done. Okay, is Dad ready yet? I want to get back in the house. I knew I should have put on my boots. Not that they are magic boots and will stop me from falling, but I should be least likely to fall with them on versus sneakers. Okay, about to check out. Yay, the ice cream was 3.34. That's really cheap for special edition ice cream.

Steps out of the supermarket.

OH MY GOD IT'S HEAVIER! Okay okay, we can do this. Just two and a half blocks...NO DAD I AM NOT GOING WITH YOU TO THE CORNER STORE ON CORONA SO YOU CAN GET YOUR CIGARS. Just give me the bags. Argh, what does he think? That I am going to go an extra three blocks with him so he can give himself lung cancer, while I'm wearing sneakers IN THE SNOW. Nope, not me. I am not the one. Okay so I can do this. Just take your time Chris. Take your time.

A block and a half into the journey, while looking at the accumulations in the cracks of the sidewalk.

Oh lordy just take me now! These bags are heavy and I feel like I am walking so slow that I'm going nowhere. I shall stop right here and let the snow overtake me. I have food with me. I'll just eat this raw meat that we just acquired and let it sustain me until rescue comes. Dad is bound to notice that I didn't make it home. But what if it gets worst in the next ten minutes? They may not be able to find me. Just keep going. Keep walking. OMG now this car might run me over because I am not crossing fast enough. Ugh, what did we buy? My ice cream isn't THIS heavy. Okay I am almost home. I wonder if Dad got to the store yet. I hate those damn cigars he smokes. Wish they would die in the snow. Let's cross this street carefully. I think all is clear. OMG why does that part of the sidewalk look icy already?! Okay you are just a few houses away. Wow Mr. Chinese Food Delivery guy on that rickety ass bike, how do you live so dangerously? Your ass and all of that food can slip on the ice on that thing. Though if you fell right now in front of me, I wouldn't mind a free eggroll.

Stops at driveway and takes in the falling snow seen through the street lights.

You're so pretty you evil little ice balls. I wonder where...oh there he is. Thank God because I wasn't going to attempt the basement steps with all of these bags in my hand. He needs to walk a little faster though. Not too fast because if he falls down the block, it's going take me five minutes to walk 30 feet with this damn snow falling. Okay, two bags for you. I really hate that we get puddles along here. This is definitely going to turn into ice by morning and it's going to take me 10 minutes to walk down the driveway. Alright, take it easy now. These steps aren't slippery yet, but just go down a step at a time. Both feet. You got it. You're almost there. Oops, almost! No, you're okay. OMG I AM HOME AND I MADE IT DOWN THE STEPS. Hurry up with the keys Dad. I want to get inside. Okay yes!!! Survival.

Kicks off sneakers and puts down the bags. Continues to walk straight to the room.

Dad: Chris, where are you going? Aren't you going to help unpack?
Me: I'm going to go have a heart attack now. Maybe later.



Welcome to the beginning of snow season!

​Hello my loyal and patiently waiting Write Queeners,

This post was suppose to be written a while ago. I was suppose to come and celebrate the fact that I was liberating myself from the merry-go-round of submissions and contests. That I am going the route of independence and self publishing my work. It was supposed to be a true and happy declaration!

Yet as time passes, I find this one of the hardest posts to write. Despite the positives of going on my own path, I keep flipping through all the negative things I THINK it means.

As I plan and research my methods for self publication, I quietly wait for the results of my submissions from the past few months. With no takers, I am conflicted with wanting the affirmation of a press and being tired of letting my manuscripts just sit there. 

The last manuscript has been finished since mid-summer. I spent a chuck of the summer taking a writing course and getting lost in life. Late Night Feelings and Home Sweet Home were under consideration at certain presses since around April and June. In the meantime, work was just sitting there. Waiting, just like the scribe. 

It was after one particular rejection, my thought process went like this: This is such a waste of time! I can't even get feedback on what's wrong with my manuscripts. Maybe it's the mix, maybe it's the order? I just don't know why no one is biting when I hear often that I am a good poet. Maybe I'm not good enough? Well excuse me if I don't have a fancy MFA or even a direct degree in Creative Writing to know how to craft my manuscripts well. Heck, school doesn't even get into the real nitty gritty of the writing life. A lot of it, I taught or sought after myself. I've done a lot of this on my own...

When I got to that last thought, that's when it clicked for me. I have done a lot of this on my own. No one had ever sat down with me and told me this is how you advance in your craft. I had no mentors I could always run to. I had books on the craft of poetry, some college courses that had really stuck with me, the feedback from other writers occasionally, and the internet. If I have gotten myself to the point where I could create a manuscript of poetry for a chapbook, then I am certainly capable of putting it out on my own.

I have ideas for each manuscript, from cover to layout to ways of promoting each finished book. While a press can get me in front of an audience that has already been loyal to their brand and give me the satisfaction of being believed in, they have the ability to compromise my ideas.

I worked too hard on these manuscripts to compromise any further. Plus all of the money spent to have a couple of people read my manuscripts, only to get a no with no feedback as to why? No, I could take that money, create the book myself, and have the world read it and tell me no, inviting feedback if they want to give it. 

The whole thought process to come to this decision scared me. Willing to let the world tell me no? My goodness! As a person whose whole life has been filled with unwelcomed rejection, inviting it in was a new concept to me. Intentionally inviting it in. Then I would be investing in my own round of rejection too. What if I print out 100 books to sell and no one wants a single copy? There are so many doubts that accompany self publishing. It's not as easy as they make it seem to be. As it becomes more acceptable to self publish and the tools and resources become more readily available, it becomes that much harder to stand out. 

My biggest worry is the ability to put my work in the perfect order. Unlike a story, whose order can be determined as it is written, poems are written during any given time. I worry that if I cannot get the order together that the overall theme will be lost to the reader. My work is very personal, but I always try to unite the reader to the experience so they can make it their own. And every experience has a beginning, middle, and end. I want you as the reader to get that. I guess that's why I'm still holding on to the manuscripts. 

I have other minor worries as well such as the actual cost of self-publishing, book design, and more importantly my ability to sell the books I will be putting my blood, sweat, and tears into (yes that was so cliche to say). These fears do slow down progress a bit. I am pushing pass them everyday though because god forbid something happens and I don't get to publish my work. Maybe it would be nice to be a great tragedy and to have my work appreciated like many greats whose work was discovered after leaving this earth. BUT I really want to enjoy my work so I can create more. The addiction is poem creation, not book creation. Books are just a way to expose people to my work so as I create more, people would want to check out what else I'm creating. 

So now I am on this journey of self -publishing. Before I try to publish my three main manuscripts, I have been experimenting with different ways of publishing. Towards the end of the summer, I discovered an app for the iPhone, iPad, and Android called Creative Book Builder. This app allows you to create interactive e-books. We are not talking about e-books that little kids can make featuring their drawings and a few words (apps like these have become a growing trend; good to start young, but hardly a solution for adults). This app can make you an e-book that you can read in iBooks and other e-readers. The books look legit. I spent a month carefully crafting an e-book titled Beloved. It is technically my first book, but I am hellbent on making Late Night Feelings my first official book - as well as exploring all of my publishing options. Later on this week on the main Write Queen blog, I will be doing a review on Creative Book Builder, a steal at $3.99, by Tiger Ng. Since putting out Beloved I have made Bitten In The Wake of Dusk an e-book and have made a mini haiku book called When You Down A Margarita. 

Now I am sure you are wondering, How can I help? (Okay maybe not, but I hope you think about it now). 

Well any writers who can send me info about self-publishing would definitely become my favorite people in the world. You can spread the word about my e-books by promoting my store link (after downloading them yourself of course). And you can donate to my fundraiser where you will receive a lot of perks for being a part of the process on GoFundMe.com. If the minimum for the fundraiser is a little too much for you, you can pay-as-you-wish when you download my e-books. Even 25 cents helps. But what helps even more is spreading the word, so spread the word and help me get to my goal. 

=]

Until next time my loves, be well and hey, maybe we can work on our future books together ;)

Hello My Write Queeners,

The first week of December is filled with many poetry treats! First up is a feature on The Body Narratives. In collaboration with The Digging Deep, Facing Self course, The Body Narratives presents a week filled with poetry from incredible women. I was asked to be a part of this wonderful week. I am extremely honored and I am having a mini dance party in my head all day to celebrate my post, which came out today, December 4. 

In addition to that, I am performing as one of the featured acts for the River of Honey's cabaret showcase on Friday, December 6th. This show happens every first Friday of the month. The theme for their last show of the year is Offerings. This is definitely going to be a new exciting, but scary experience. Come out and support the show if you can!

Finally, I have another mini e-book for you...and I mean mini! When You Down A Margarita is a series of haiku (about 24 in total, I think.) about my experience of falling for a woman during college (If you didn't know this about me, now you know. If you got a problem, you know what to do - we don't tolerate any intolerance here!). 

I previously published this on Smashwords, but now with my Creative Book Builder app, I wanted to give it a little facelift. To download it, head over to my "Store" page.

That's it for now my loves. I have a couple of blog posts coming up soon. Be on the look out!