What can I say about the month of June? What has happened? A bunch of disappointment and confusion! I have received rejections from every direction.
From a job that I really wanted to my manuscript, rejection was the theme of June.
But I am okay.
Why? Honestly, I don't know.
I cried. I silently screamed why. I went through all of the motions of rejection. But I still feel okay and I'm willing to go on (with my work of course, don't think so dramatically!). If this was a year ago, I would have stopped or beat myself up for months.
I sit here and wonder why I am so cool, calm, and collected as a whole to such a high amount of rejections in one month. I'm used to getting rejections with my writing, but this was one after another. Most of these were paid submissions too, so it should seem like I threw money away. Yet, I felt only an ache after reading each one.
And the job? A web editor for my favorite nationally recognized literary magazine (not naming names because of visibility reasons). My absolute dream job. Waited for a month to hear something, anything. I checked my e-mail obsessively throughout the day, I kept checking my phone for a missed call or voicemail. I kept picturing my life as though I had the job already. It sparked in me a motivation I have not felt in a while.
Then one day, while I was sitting at work, I checked my e-mail.
In my inbox was an e-mail from the editor of the magazine, an e-mail that has a fifty percent of being generated, saying that they have found their candidate for the job and wishing me good luck with my job search and writing. I sat at my desk at work, trying not to cry. Of course that wasn't working so I quickly darted to the bathroom to let out a good cry.
I realized while I was sitting in there that I cried for two reasons. One was because I was hurt, but the second reason was odd: I felt relief.
Then I realized that relief came from finding out and learning that while maybe I was qualified, I still had to go through other things before I was given such a gift.
Rejection isn't just about not being good enough. The best of the best have all been rejected at one point or another. Rejection is also a way of the higher powers that be telling you that maybe you aren't ready yet. It would be amazing if every time we went for something that it would be ours instantly. But how would we appreciate that victory? Would we even put in work to get it? I think that we would have a lot of cocky people who would create equally cocky work if it was that way.
I'll take my hurt and humble and continue to grow until the right opportunity comes along and we are ready for each other.
So reject me! Something better is coming my way anyway.
In other news, I just turned 27 two days ago. I think it's going to be magical age so world, look out for me!
In the meantime, check out the Late Night Feelings blog about my chapbook publishing adventures. I finished my second manuscript, Home Sweet Home this past month. Let's see what happens!